Thursday, February 02, 2006

On New Films

New films to look out for in 2006

2001 Dalmations- Heart warming family comedy as through a series of mishaps the Dalmation puppies are sent into space. But oh no! Cruella Deville has stowed aboard too and she wants those puppies! Marvel as the puppies meet God in the form of an omnipresent vast intelligence and Cruella Deville reborn as a giant space baby.

March of the Penguins 2- March on New York. -Morgan Freeman lovingly narrates the tale of ten foot high giant penguins, their trials and their traumas as they rampage across Manhattan, pecking the heads off businessmen in the cutest possible way. Written by lovable, women fearing racist HP Lovecraft and filmed by the dastardly French.

Interlocking Twisty Thriller in the rain ptXXII- Morgan Freeman stars as a grizzled Police Inspector investigating ghastly crimes, the suffering of humanity is reflected in his careworn face. Some young Hollywood white, pretty person co stars, though usually not very well.

Beatrix Potters Peter Rabbit
- featuring state of the art Weta special effects and filmed on location in New Zealand it retells the heart warming tales that have entertained generations of posh children. Directed by some MTV video guy with a three second memory and backed up by solid Christain financial muscle. See young Peter Rabbit avenge the death of his father at the hands of the cruel Macgregor, weep in Christian allegory as Peter gets caught up in a net and loses all his pocket hankins and tears his waistcoat. Featuring the voices of some Cockney/Irish children as the rabbits and Jeremy Irons/Gary Oldman/James Earl Jones as Mr Macgregor.

Ring me back in Heaven- Reese Witherspoon stars in the heart warming romantic comedy about an undead malevolent being who just wants to get a date! See her hilarious mishaps as guys she likes die screaming with fear when she emerges from the TV. But will she find true love in the form of hunky journalist Some Affleck Lookalike? Will she take revenge on slimeball ex lover Hugh Grant/Alec Baldwin, who had her killed and dumped in a well?

New M Night Shyamalen film- the man whose name nobody can spell returns with yet another film you sit through waiting for the twist, even though somebody spoilt it for you anyway. Inevitably disappointing but well made.

Airport Thriller- some evil Communist Arab Islamic fundamentalist Feminist French Terrorists take the Presidents wife hostage and say they will make her a lesbian. Plenty of phallic gun action, rescuing of women and asserting America’s shaky grip on the world. Cheerful racism abounds and for no reason Cuba is invaded. Via France. All the baddies are British, all the good guys are honest New Yorkers. Written by Michael Crichton- which explains the lengthy mid section where the president tells us why climate change doesn’t happen and its all just the talk of filthy hippies and Europeans

Patronising anti copyright warning the movie- a ninety minute film in which some highly paid Hollywood coke head lectures you on why downloading movies is bad. He shows how it funds terrorism, kills babies and leads to kittens getting hurt paws. The irony of being told what to do by moral free Hollywood execs whose own contribution to the war on terror was making films like Patriot Games and Black Hawk Down means this is not to be missed. Especially for all those Marines in Iraq who joined up because they grew up watching Rambo and Top Gun.
Includes blatantly made up footage claiming to be from actual downloaded films.


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